


Intertwined

by Shimegami



Series: Side By Side [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, Holding Hands, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Mild Angst, Puberty, Schmoop, This Is STUPID, makoharu festival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 10:50:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shimegami/pseuds/Shimegami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they were little, Haru was always the bigger one, the more mature one.  He never thought that Makoto would ever outgrow him.  But puberty and the events afterwards don't always go to plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Intertwined

**Author's Note:**

> Entry for the MakoHaru Festival on tumblr batch one - prompt: "outgrown", with elements of "holding hands" and "watching".
> 
> Dumb Haru going through puberty and shit, enjoy. It's really dumb I'm sorry.

Although Makoto hit his physical growth spurt in puberty earlier than Haru did, the mental aspects were Haru's first. 

It starts when he's eleven and he notices that Makoto is starting to rapidly close in on Haru's height. Before then, Haru had always been the taller, stronger one – five months is a lot of growing time in the steady pace of children, so Haru had always had at least a centimeter or more on his best friend. It was never a _huge_ difference, since Makoto's build has always been a bit lanky, but there was a difference nonetheless. 

But they're eleven, and now Makoto's starting to grow. His clingy best friend who always cowers behind Haru when he's scared can suddenly meet Haru's eyes directly, and Haru no longer has to look down. Every morning it seems like he has to readjust his line of view just to meet those green eyes, and the feeling is odd. 

It makes him more aware of Makoto. All these small changes force Haru to study Makoto every morning to make sure he doesn't miss anything new, and it makes him _really_ look at his friend for the first time. Before, Makoto's appearance hadn't meant much, just an image in his mind to tack on to his thoughts, but now, forced to reevaluate his friend, Haru finds himself noticing little things that had been swept away in the amorphous blob in his mind of “Makoto”. 

He notices things like how vivid his eyes really are, the same color as the gems set in one of his mother's necklaces – _peridot_ , she tells him – or how there's very faint freckles on his cheeks, normally almost wiped out by his light tan but they stand out a bit more in winter – he quickly learns that if they stick out a bit more than normal, it means Makoto's skin is pale and he's not feeling well. He notices how his shoulders are starting to get a little bit wider than Haru's, hinting that the size tables might be turned. After all, Mr. Tachibana is quite tall, taller than Haru's own father. He notices how the lines of Makoto's face come together, into a face that Haru finds pleasant and makes all the neighborhood grannies universally praise Makoto as “cute” and earns him many cheek-pinches, sometimes even from Haru's own grandmother, although she is much too dignified for cheek-pinching, settling for patting Makoto on the head. 

Noticing all these little things is strange, and new, and different. Haru doesn't really like it, because every time he notices a new little detail or when he's reminded of their sudden height equality, his stomach does a funny little turn and his cheeks feel way too hot and he can't look Makoto directly in the face. It's not really bad, but it is different, and Haru has never dealt with change well. 

It just gets worse as time wears on – Makoto really hits his growing stride after that, and when they're twelve Makoto is the bigger one, having outgrown Haru by six centimeters and he doesn't look to be stopping any time soon. Broader shoulders, longer limbs, and their training is starting to harden his body in ways that it's not doing to Haru's yet. Sometimes Haru can't take his eyes off his friend's body, and he has to go swim another five laps in embarrassment. The only thing that really hasn't changed yet is his face – Makoto's face is still round and young, with wide green eyes and the familiar expression Haru has always known. But even that is showing signs of change – his chin is looking sharper and his cheekbones stronger, signs of the man Makoto will grow into. That he's growing into faster than Haru is, because when he looks in the mirror none of the changes happening to his best friend seem to be appearing on his body, and it frustrates him in some unknown way. 

It feels like Makoto is leaving him behind in some way, but at the same time Haru is oddly eager to watch. The conflicting feelings make him even more stubborn and snappy than usual, and honestly it's only Makoto's gentle patience that keeps their relationship smooth as puberty starts looming over the horizon like some sort of mythical monster. 

When Rin barges into their lives, Haru finally understands what is happening. One day, when he catches himself sliding his eyes over the lines of Rin's face, it hits him just what he's doing. Snippets of teenage conversation heard in the streets and on television suddenly make sense. 

He's “checking out” Makoto and Rin. He's not looking at them as friends, but as potential lovers. 

The revelation is strangely calming. Now that he knows why he keeps staring when Makoto starts pulling off his shirt in the locker rooms, it's easier to deal with. It makes sense – Makoto has always been praised for being “cute” and “you're going to be a very handsome young man one day!” and so Haru finding him attractive is probably normal. It's in a lot of Nagisa's manga, too – the childhood friends growing up and suddenly falling in love is a running theme in a lot of them. 

Haru doesn't even spare thought for the fact that in the manga, those romances are between a boy and girl. Haru's never found girls worth looking at, and he doubts he ever will. He thinks it's something the world doesn't really like, that there's a word for it, but Haru doesn't care. He's never given a damn what others have thought of him unless they're his friends or family, and this is no different. Haru is who he is, and if he finds boys attractive rather than girls, then that's just who he is too. 

Despite these calming revelations and discovery of his sexuality, though, he doesn't really know what to do. Just because he knows what it is now doesn't mean he knows what to do about it. He doesn't know how to put his thoughts into words, or even if he _wants_ to say these things out loud. Looking at Makoto, even the thought of telling him about these things make his throat close up and his face flush hotly, and then Makoto asks him if he has a fever and Haru feels stupid.  And he definitely doesn't want to pursue anything with Rin because while Rin's face is attractive, the minute he opens his mouth that attraction flies out the window and Haru is only left with a strange mix of friendship, competition, and an undying wish to kick Rin in the shins. 

It's obvious that while Makoto's body is growing, his mind is still free of the thoughts that are plaguing Haru. He knows his friend, and since he can't stop discreetly staring at him lately, he knows that Makoto's eyes aren't being drawn like magnets to anyone's shoulders, or that he's not finding excuses to touch anyone at every little excuse – Makoto reaching out and pulling him from the water is a recent habit Haru is loathe to let go of, because feeling Makoto's hand confidently closing around his to help him, instead of clammy little fingers wrapped around his own in fear, sends tingles through Haru's arm. 

Instead, Makoto is the same as always, a warm shadow at Haru's side, always smiling and seemingly content just where he is. 

Haru is torn between a frustrating contrast of being deeply appreciative of that presence, and annoyed because he somehow wants it to be _more_ and he doesn't have the first clue of what that means or how he should go about it. His hand tingles with the need to hold Makoto's hand all the time instead of just when Makoto's scared or getting out of the pool, but he suffers from a rare lack of confidence and can't find it in himself to reach out himself to take it. 

He's frustrated with himself. 

The whole mess with Rin and the winter race changes a lot of things. 

He can't bring himself to swim in a pool anymore, tainted as it is with Rin's crying face and the knowledge that Haru's own talent and lack of ambition had crushed someone else's dreams. So he quits the swimming club and the team in school, lost in a slowly-deepening cloud of apathy and self-blame. If only he'd thrown the race, or something, anything that wouldn't mean that he hurt one of his friends with the thing he loved most... 

Makoto quietly quits the swim team with Haru. It's another black mark against Haru – he knows, that while Makoto would never allow himself to think it, his friend must feel betrayed on some level. They had started swimming together, after all. Although Rin and Nagisa were their friends and thus important, swimming together was their _thing_ and had been ever since Makoto introduced him to the swim club. They had always swum together, and for Haru to suddenly quit was like cutting a thread of their bond. It's like saying Makoto isn't worth swimming with anymore. 

No one is worth swimming with more than Makoto, but Haru can't bring himself to say it. He's gotten too used to Makoto knowing everything without saying, and it feels like now Haru's lost all ability to put his thoughts into words. 

Maybe, if he hadn't let himself rely on Makoto to speak for him all the time, he might have prevented all of this. He might have been able to say something to Rin to save things between them, and he might have been able to put his feelings towards Makoto into words. 

But he did, and now he's trapped in a bubble of darkness and no way to puncture it, with either words or actions. Every time he tries to force some sort of explanation out of his throat, an image of Rin's crying face imposes itself over Makoto's, and the words dry up in his throat. Because while hurting Rin was horrible, the idea of visiting the same pain somehow onto Makoto is _devastating_. If he drives Makoto away too, Haru will really have lost everything. 

So he stays quiet, and he knows it pains Makoto, draws an invisible barrier between them. And Makoto, poor, gentle Makoto, just remains quiet and waits, staying by Haru's side in that same warm shadow he's always been that twists Haru's gut in even more ways now. 

It's all his fault. This whole mess is all Haru's fault, and he doesn't know how to get out of the darkness. 

And, just to add to his bad temper as the years wear on, the attraction stuff still marches on. 

As they go through middle school, puberty hits them both like a sledgehammer. The harder body and broader frame finally come to Haru, along with new things. Their voices drop, and although Makoto's stays surprisingly light and airy for his size, Haru sometimes surprises himself when he talks with how deep his new voice is. They both grow like weeds, although, infuriatingly, Makoto stays ahead in the height and size race – for every centimeter Haru grows, it feels like Makoto grows twice that. It's a strange disconnect, from the little kid that he had to look down at hiding behind him to this new person who Haru has to angle his head up just to meet his gaze. Other changes come too – the funny stomach drop of attraction when he looks at Makoto now has taken a new, more heated turn, and he's hit with the dreams and desires that sexual education in fifth grade promised. He has to wake up earlier than normal sometimes to wash his sheets, and he soon learns not to stare at Makoto in public or else his treacherous lower body quickly reacts. 

It seems that changes are finally hitting Makoto as well, catching his mind up with his body. They stop bathing together, sleeping in the same futon, turn their backs to each other when they change in the same room. Now Makoto blushes at odd times, averting his eyes from Haru, and it's another subtle layer of distance. 

It adds yet more awkwardness to what was once the most natural relationship Haru had, and combined with other dark events during middle school – the death of his grandmother, the departure of his parents – the bubble of darkness gets tighter and tighter around Haru, wrapping him in isolation and frustration. 

It makes his skin itch and crawl, sometimes, with the _need_ to feel the water as the last thing left to him. The pool is still off-limits and the feelings related to it still too dark, although the longing for chlorine and lanes grows stronger every day. In the summer, the ocean provides some relief, but Makoto will never venture past water deeper than his knees, and Haru would never push him further. He might be able to feel the water in the ocean, but feeling it alone makes his feelings even more bleak sometimes. Combined with the annoying waves, Haru spends far less time in the water than his battered feelings need, and the ocean can't provide him with the clarity he seeks. 

The bathtub is his last haven. It's cramped, the smell is bland, he can't feel the slide of water over his skin like he does swimming, but the cool touch of the water is comforting. As his feelings get more and more black and he feels even more disconnected from the world, the more time he spends in the tub to soothe them. 

This, at least, will never change or be tainted by bitter feelings – unless his parents forget to pay the water bill. 

Sometime, when high school starts, he stops really _looking_ at Makoto. His hormones have evened out, he supposes, so the need isn't as strong, and the apathy festering since that winter of middle school keeps getting stronger. Trapped in his bubble, the outside world just keeps dimming, and the occasional dream starring his best friend just adds a flavor of disgust, almost – he doesn't deserve to think about Makoto like that, really, not like he is now. He knows that it's self-fulfilling, really – feeling unworthy and pulling back into the darkness just widens the gap and makes more darkness – but he just can't _stop_. He can't see any light where he is. So, for all that his eyes are perfect twenty-twenty – unlike Makoto who quietly shows up to class with glasses one day, and then contacts – it feels like Haru's blind. Nothing that he sees really stays with him, blurring into nondescript days, only punctuated by the feel of water and whether he's at school or not. 

Through it all, Makoto stays by his side. The gratitude that Makoto isn't leaving him like everyone else is mixed with the cold fear that if he doesn't break the distance soon that even Makoto's presence is timed, that he will leave too one day. He remains mute about it all either way, still choked quiet by his own shortcomings. 

He can't look at him right now, though. He doesn't deserve to, he thinks. 

When he almost loses him to the ocean that Makoto so fears, it's like ice water to his face. If only he had tried a little harder, insisted a little more on not doing the camping trip, or staying with Makoto in the same tent, or something, he could have prevented this. If he hadn't woken up, hadn't heard Makoto's faint shout over the wind and rain because even after all these years his ears are always tuned to the sound of Makoto in distress, he could have lost Makoto forever. 

It worried at him, a constant drip of anxiety at the back of his mind. He could have lost Makoto. He hasn't been able to talk to him honestly in years. What if Makoto died not knowing how much Haru truly appreciated him always being there for him? What if Makoto got frustrated with him and left, not knowing the depths of Haru's feelings for him? 

This worry grows and grows, agitating him into motion. When Makoto finally puts Haru's feelings into words for him – yes, swimming with everyone makes him _happy_ , he _likes_ it, those are his feelings too, Makoto just has always been better with words than Haru – he has to tell Makoto this, finally crawling free of the bubble to echo Makoto's words. The smile he gets in return, and the smile he gets when he agrees to the relay, and really, all of Makoto's smiles, takes his breath away, makes him feel like he's floating in a sunlit pool. 

The feeling spurs him on, to claw out of his bubble and try to fix everything that he's done wrong since middle school, and before even because he was always spoiled by Makoto's presence and he just can't take that for granted anymore. Makoto is someone precious to him, and he has to make sure Makoto knows that. 

It's spur of the moment, and it embarrasses him so bad he has to run out of the run under the excuse of going for a jog, cheeks feeling like they're on fire, but he manages to convey his appreciation. He puts his feelings into words and thanks Makoto for being there for him. 

The surprise in Makoto's voice convinces Haru that he was right. Makoto shouldn't be surprised to hear it, but he was, and it further resolves Haru. He can't remain in the dark anymore. The bubble is still there, but it's clear now. He sees the way out. 

The bubble finally bursts in year two of high school. Rin comes back, he's swimming again, and Haru doesn't realize how much he was weighed down by guilt until it dissipates, leaving him light and free and able to swim again. He didn't stop someone from achieving their dream after all, he didn't sour something so important as swimming for them. It takes a little work, and the bubble almost comes back when he thinks that he's done it again, he's stopped Rin from living his dream _again_ , but that too is overcome and suddenly they're all together again, swimming together again. No more guilt, no more darkness, only light. 

He's _free_. 

And now, with the darkness gone, he's free to really look around himself again, to really see. 

And he sees Makoto. 

It's like fifth and sixth grade all over again, somehow. He sometimes comes up short, staring up at Makoto in wonder – he had really grown, hadn't he? Makoto's face has grown out of the round baby fat and matured into smooth lines and harder features. The neighborhood grannies were right – Makoto turned into a very handsome young man. From his gentle green eyes, still as bright as ever, to the fall of his fluffy hair around his face, to his broad shoulders and strong muscles, getting more defined every day from practice, Makoto is breathtakingly handsome and Haru is realizing this all over again, now that his view is clear again and there's no more self-resentment in the way. 

He wants to hold that large hand with his, entwine those long fingers with his own slimmer ones, wrap his arms around those shoulders – how difficult will it be with their size, he wonders – and find out if those lips feel as soft as they look. Probably, since Makoto religiously uses his chapstick, unlike Haru. 

It makes his face flushed, his heart pound, and his fingers twitch with their itching need to reach out and feel. It's hugely embarrassing that his body doesn't seem to listen to him anymore, but, this time, Haru welcomes it. He's not a confused little kid anymore, he knows what he really feels now and he knows what his body wants. 

Being able to see Makoto again and look at him also means that he can really watch him again. And, during this watching, he realizes that while he's been in a blind rut for the past few years, the rest of Iwatobi's population _hasn't_ , and a distressingly large amount of his fellow teens have been watching Makoto too. 

He realizes this when he accidentally comes across a first year holding out a love letter to Makoto, behind the school one day. Haru can't help but watch the whole thing – the impassioned declaration of love, and Makoto's gentle let-down, mainly consisting of “I'm sorry”, “I'm glad you feel that way, but...”, and “I'm just not looking for that right now”. 

It's all very composed, and Haru realizes that Makoto has had practice at this. He can't imagine Makoto would be so smooth with the first one, as shy and oblivious as his friend can be. This isn't the first time Makoto has been confessed to, then. 

It's the first one Haru knows of, though, and that unsettles him. What other things doesn't he know? How much has Makoto grown when Haru wasn't watching? 

When Makoto outgrew Haru physically, did he outgrow him emotionally too? 

The thoughts eat at Haru, twisting around in his mind in a whirlpool, as the school day drags on. It refuses to clear up as he slices through the water in practice, despite the clarity of the slightly-chilly water – fall is approaching, and soon Iwatobi's pool will have to close, so they have to get as much practice in before the temperature drops too much. 

It keeps gnawing at him as they say goodbye to everyone and start walking home, setting sun sending their shadows stretching across the concrete. Side by side as they are, Makoto's shadow completely eats Haru's, the only sign that there are two shadows is the odd step not in synch with each other. 

Observing the shadows brings him to a decision. He's let darkness obscure him and stopper his words once, he can't let it happen again. If Haru doesn't want Makoto to outgrow him and leave him behind, Haru has to grow too. 

He stops shock still, Makoto taking a step and a half forward before he realizes Haru's absence and turns, question on his face. “Haru?” 

Haru turns words over in his head, trying to find the best way to say this. He's no good with words, it's the one talent Makoto has over him. “...You got a confession today.” 

Makoto's eyes widen comically, he really hadn't noticed Haru there. “U-Um..! Ah, uh, y-you saw...? Um, y-yeah, I guess I did...don't worry, I turned it down properly, I'm the captain after all! I wouldn't do anything to reduce our club time. I have to focus on our club first, right? And we'll be third years soon, so exams, we have to focus so–“ 

“Makoto.” The babble cuts off when Haru says his name, and Makoto fidgets, grabbing at his arm and shuffling his feet a little, bottom lip being caught in his teeth. It reminds Haru strongly of the Makoto of ten years, and the resemblance makes new confidence surge through Haru. Makoto hasn't changed that much. He hasn't left Haru behind yet. 

He reaches out to catch the hand that's holding Makoto's other arm, pulling it away and wrapping his own hand around it instead. When did Makoto start holding his own arm instead of reaching out for Haru's hand, anyways? Haru needs to reintroduce that habit, he thinks. 

He takes a deep breath, because while he has confidence, he still doesn't have a lot of words at his disposal. And Makoto needs words – he's come to realize that. No matter how telepathic their relationship may seem, not everything gets across properly, and sometimes that makes saying things out loud even more important. He's not twelve anymore and relying too much on Makoto's empathy, he's grown better than that. 

Makoto is staring at him wide-eyed, and Haru's pretty sure that it's not only the sunset staining his cheeks red. “H-Haru-chan...?” 

Haru feels his own cheeks getting hot, especially with the childish address – he still hasn't broken Makoto out of that habit, but right now it's reassuring – and he looks away automatically to hide it. But he tightens his grip on Makoto's hand. He says the first words that pop into his mind, because Makoto needs to _know_. 

“...Don't rush into the future alone. Idiot.” 

It's not going to be a shining example of clarity anytime soon, and Haru feels dumb the moment they leave his mouth, but he doesn't know what else to say to convey his feelings. “Don't grow up” is silly and selfish and not quite right anyways because he doesn't want Makoto to not grow up, he just doesn't want it to happen _without_ him. “Don't date anyone else but me” is likewise selfish, and rather jealous, and Haru is starting to realize that he might actually be a pretty jealous person, because just the thought makes him want to hit something or glare at every female in a hundred-meter radius until they realize Makoto is _his_. But saying “I like you” or “I love you” also seems so...inadequate. Three little words don't even begin to describe everything Makoto means to him, rather they're phrases blurted out by girls who have done nothing but watch Makoto from afar and think that that means they love him forever, and while the feelings have always been there, Haru's only come to terms with them very recently. It feels too soon. 

He doesn't know what else to say, and he can do nothing but stare at the ground next to his feet, focusing on a nondescript pebble, and hope that Makoto understands and that he hasn't just creeped out his best friend irreversibly. 

Haru is suddenly aware of the feel of skin gliding across his hand, as long, slightly calloused fingers move and wriggle and slide to interlock with Haru's, linking their hands together in a far more intimate way than any time they're held hands before. 

He looks up in surprise, but it's Makoto's turn to look away, a bright red blush staining his face up to his ears and neck as he shyly squeezes Haru's hand, thumb ghosting just a bit across the back of Haru's hand. “...I-I won't get too far ahead if we do this, right? H-Haru-chan?” 

Warmth flows up his arm from their interlocked fingers, spreading into a soft smile that Haru couldn't wipe off his face if he tried, but he doesn't particularly want to. They don't say anything more, but resume their walk in silence, footsteps in perfect synch as always and hands linked between them. There's still a lot more he has to eventually tell Makoto, but right now, Haru finds that his smile and the small squeeze he gives Makoto's hand to get one in return is saying everything he needs to right now. 

_'Yeah, this is good.'_

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked, please like and reblog the entry at makoharufestival.tumblr.com when it goes up!
> 
> Also follow me at clover-magic.tumblr.com for WIP updates and dumbassery and fandom shrieking.


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